Motivational Speech Joke

The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.

After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.

Navy SEAL Joke

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson's pre-K class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

"So," asked one little girl, "can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"

Chocolate Ice Cream Joke

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, Sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate."

"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."

"You don't understand, Sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."

"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"

The man says, "V-A-N."

"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."

"OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."

The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

Wind Sure Does Blow Joke

A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces." The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."

A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to get used to it -- learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the cattle in the panhandle plumb fell over."

It was so windy the prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.

During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary. Here it comes now."

Pastries Joke

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"

He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

Where Would He Be Joke

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

I Won Joke

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out!"

One For You Joke

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Pre Flight Announcement Joke

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire state buildings stacked one on top the other.

"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."

"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."

"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way of life!"

Pillsbury Doughboy Joke

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others.

The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Cooking Class Joke

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?", I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."

The Collar Joke

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Mr Ho Joke

My husband and I were returning home from our childbirth class at Manhattan's Beekman Hospital.

Noting my obvious pregnancy, the taxi driver, a Mr. Ho, proceeded to tell us about his wife's experience at the same hospital. She had been admitted one December 24 and the next day delivered triplets.

Visitors and staff were amused Christmas morning when they saw the newborns in the nursery and read the names on the three bassinets:

Ho, Ho, Ho.

Thanksgiving Poem Joke

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned-- the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.......
happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, please!

School Discipline Joke

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Moms Piano Joke

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday.

A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

Taxi Joke

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,

"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years"

The Mud Hole Joke

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,

"When do you have time to plow your land? You must do it at night."

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

I am So Tough Joke

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour".

Intense Gestures Joke

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

Good Reason Joke

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

Camp Outs Joke

Every year, thousands of Americans are introduced to the sport of camping. There are many approaches to it. "Car camping," for example, is where the camp is within 20 feet of the car, and a portion of each is actually spent in the car, either because the tent collapsed or somebody thought he "heard a bear."

"Backpacking" is where the camp is more than 20 feet from the car, and no portion of the night is actually spent in the car, except in dire emergencies, such as when someone thinks he "saw a bear."

"Solitary camping" is where a lone camper lies awake at night wondering how he could have been so stupid as not to have brought somebody along with him. You know you are involved in solitary camping when asked, "Did you hear that funny noise just then?" and nobody answers. Of course, it may be that the reason you are suddenly involved in solitary camping is that the person you were with heard that funny sound just then and is now engaged in car camping.

"Group camping" may consist of as many as 40 individuals, none of whom thought to bring a can opener. A Cub Scout outing is typical of group camping, and it often ends with the adult leaders spending the night pressed inside a pup tent with 14 Cub Scouts because somebody had the bright idea to telling scary stories around the campfire.

And if you listen closely, you will hear one of the expressions most heard around the campgrounds. It is "When heck freezes over." This is used by wives and mothers to indicate the next time you'll get them on another camping trip.

They Have Got Mom Joke

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

Sister in law Joke

My former sister-in-law, not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but still quite creative, rolled through a stop sign and THEN spotted the two patrolmen in the cop car watching her do it.

She stopped the car, backed up, stopped at the stop sign, and slowly went on her way again.

She again looked over at the two cops, who were laughing so hard that they could hardly sit upright, and they waved her on!

Pro Challenge Joke

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow.

One of the members had enough. So he bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf.

He then set up a game with the pro, $1000 to the winner.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300 400 ,500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.

The pro just about wet his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live it down. He put down his clubs and immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt"

The challenger answered, "Oh about the same as he drives, around 575 yards."

Football Fan To The Rescue

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Tyson One-Liners

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

Putting up with Jocks

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Scotsman At A Baseball Game

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

The Races

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."

Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

A Bad Season

To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

Why doesn't Jesus play hockey?

Beacuse he's scared to get nailed to the boards.

10 Reasons Not To Jog

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Sports Entrance Exam

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
   Babylonian Empire with particular
   reference to architecture, literature,
   law and social conditions

   -OR-

   give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
   (a) build a bridge
   (b) sail the ocean
   (c) lead an army or
   (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
   only one answer)
   (a) Jewish
   (b) Catholic
   (c) Hindu
   (d) Polish
   (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
    0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is
    on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?
   (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north
   called?
   (a) Westerners
   (b) Southerners
   (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called
     George, the last one being George the
     Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Macy's
    (b) a 7-11
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory
     of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National
     Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of
     Dynamic Equilibrium

    -OR-

    spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story
     building located?

17. Which part of America produces the
     most oranges?
    (a) New York
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.
     If you have three apples how many apples
     do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)
     stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions
correctly to qualify*

Love, Lust and Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and croissants.
LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms.
MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed to.

Home Economics - Then and Now

1950 Home Economics

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Now the updated version for the '90s woman.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo video games. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).

10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

The Poor Fool

"Honey," said this husband to his wife,
"I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Bill's Box

Bill and Hillary were married 30 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn

The Marriage Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..

There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Two Old Guys in Walmart

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!"

Jewelry

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But you are not wearing any of those nice things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I want that bitch to go absolutely nuts looking for the jewelry."

A Woman's Husband

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me.''

Short Marriage Jokes

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

3. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

4. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

5. Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!

6. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

7. Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.

8. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

9. What is the difference between a marriage and a war? A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!

10. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

11. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

12. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somewhat deteriorate during the night.

13. Why is Hillary upset? Because she may have been the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST!

14. Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. this widow had a grown up daughter. My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married. This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. See below how:
My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife! After a few years I became father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!

15. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

16. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

17. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

18. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

19. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

20. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

21. My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

22. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

23. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

24. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

25. The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

26. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

27. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

28. Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!

29. A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

30. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Marriage - Before and After

Before Marriage:

John - Ah... At last, I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it.
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!

After Marriage:

Read from the bottom back to the top...

Married Two Weeks

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN $#!*! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT $#!* IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

... and they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

How long have you been married?

When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.

"The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" she asked.

"Ten years", he replied.

Effects of Marriage

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert."

He continued, "After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

In-law vs Outlaw

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.

Four Letter Words

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

The Honeymooners

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to sayhello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful bride, Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino,some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip.Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta lil' bit hungry and openup a da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eata in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' "

"So, me and my beautiful bride Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in diisa car. Musta use a cluba car.

"So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."

"Then my beautiful bride Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, hewalka through da hall shoutin' at da top of hisa voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'"

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

Another Late Night

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Just Married

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, "it's for his underarms."

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Reindeer

According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.

A Letter From Santa

Another Letter from Santa


Dear ya'll

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union
contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only
eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my
replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba
Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls,
but there are a few differences between us, such as:

* There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has
a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

* Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does
dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.


* Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over
Bubba's fireplace.

* You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

* "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"

* As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a bumper
sticker for non-traditional vehicles "If you are close enough to read this...
you ain't gettin' no presents!"

* The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"Ernest Saves Christmas" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see
some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many
feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says
"You scumbum!" a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.

* Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. I'd turn the other way when he bends over
to put presents under the tree. "Plumber's cleavage" is NOT a pretty sight.


* Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes
Santa Claus" and Madonna's remake of "Santa Baby." Until this year, songs
about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi.
They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me," and Hank Williams
Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."


Sincerely Yours,

Santa

Psychiatric Holidays

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I

An Engineer's View of Santa Claus

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 71.604 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's been vaporized by now!

Twas the night AFTER Chirstmas

'Twas the night after Christmas, and boy, what a house!

I felt like the devil, and so did my spouse.


The eggnog and turkey and candy were swell,

But ten hours later they sure gave me hell.


The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care.

The darn things were sprawled on the back of a chair.


The children were nestled all snug in their bed,

And I had a large cake of ice on my head.


When at long last I dozed off in a nap,

The ice woke me up as it fell in my lap.


For some unknown reason I wanted a drink,

So I started in feeling my way to the sink.


I got along fine 'til I stepped on the cat.

I cannot recall what occurred after that.


When I came to, the house was all flooded with light,

Although under the table I was high as a kite.


While visions of sugar plums danced in my head,

I somehow got up and climbed back into bed.


Then what to my wandering mind should appear,

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.


Then the sleigh seemed to change to a mammoth fire truck,

And each reindeer turned into a bleary-eyed buck.


I knew in a moment it must be old Nick.

I tried to cry out, but my tongue was too thick.


The old devil whistled and shouted with glee,

While each buck pawed the earth and looked daggers at me.


Then he called them by name and the names made me shudder.

When I heard them I felt like a ship minus rudder.


"Now Eggnog! Bacardi! Four Roes! and Brandy!

Now Fruit Cake! Cold Turkey! Gin Rickey! and Candy!


To the top of his house, to the top of his skull,

Now whack away, crack it with thumps that are dull!"


And then in a twinkling I felt on my roof

The prancing and pawing of each cloven hoof.


How long this went on I am sure I can't say,

Though it seemed an eternity plus a long day.


But finally the night after Christmas had passed,

And I found that I really could think straight at last.


So I thought of the New Year and few days away,

And I made me a vow that no tempter can sway.



I'm sticking to water, don't even want ice,

For there's nothing so tasty, or nothing so nice.


The night after New Year may bother some guys,

But I've learned my lesson, and brother, I'm wise.


You can have your rich food, and your liquor that's red,

But what goes to my stomach won't go to my head.


So here's "Happy New Year" to you one and all.

I'm back on the wagon. I hope I don't fall.

Even More Short Christmas Jokes

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low 'elf'-esteem!

How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The 'elf'-abet!

Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!

One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner".
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

More Short Christmas Jokes

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
'Horn'-aments!

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a 're-tail' shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he's a 'rain'-deer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
'Rude'-olph!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can't hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will 'sleigh' you!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-'deer'!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
'Elk'-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the 'deer'-bell!

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was 'elf'-taught!

Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

Short Christmas Jokes

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!

What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Beacause a little water ends both of them!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!

What did the big candle say to the little candle?
I'm going out tonight!

Whats happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
Stacks!

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve?
Because he's Sooty!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Batteries not Included)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse; With only six hours left, until morning light, Assembling kids' presents would take me all night.

19,000 pieces - bolts, washers and screws, To be put together, and me with no clue; All I had for tools were some needle-nose pliers, A Swiss Army Knife and a Phillips screwdriver.

When out on the lawn there arose such a racket, I threw down my pliers and put on my jacket; I swung open the door, to check out the noise, And saw a red-suited man, bringing more toys.

I shouted, "Hey, you on my lawn, what's the idea!" As my shrubs were being eaten by eight small reindeer; The big man looked up at me and said with a smile, "There's more to assemble - it will take you a while."

"My kids don't need more toys," I countered right quick, But he wouldn't hear "no," that stubborn Saint Nick; "These new toys have detailed instructions," he said, And he winked as he lifted a bag from his sled.

Then he pulled a bunch of woodchips out of his bag, "It's a dollhouse," he said, as he looked at the tag; "It has 6,000 small pieces, plus one or two, You can make it if you have a gallon of glue."

"And, there are no axle holes on this toy car, With only two wheels it won't go very far; Perhaps you can whip up some rubber for tires, I'm sure you can do it before you retire."

"But Nick," I pleaded, "don't you have simple toys? Can't they build simply things - those elves you employ?" "How 'bout a ball, a rag doll or gun that shoots darts, Or some other present made of only one part?"

Santa said, "Those kinds of toys are passé these days, It's complicated gadgets that are all the craze; So, please take these here toys and I'll be on my way, I have houses to get to and visits to pay."

"I don't want any more toys!" I yelled quite in shock, Then I slammed the door shut and I secured the lock; And I took off my coat and went back to my bench, And tried to read the directions - printed in French.

Then just as I found I was missing a screw, That old coot came sneaking right down through my flue; "You forgot all these toys," said the man dressed in red, Then he put his sack right down and here's what he said.

"You're not alone staying up all through the night, Dads all over the world are in the same plight; They don't have the right tools, or any instructions, They're eyes are bleary and they're minds don't quite function."

Then he left me there speechless, alone with my work, And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk; And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle; But I heard him exclaim, as he jumped in his sleigh, "You'll need 62 batteries - all triple A."

At the Pearly Gates on Christmas Eve

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

The Singing Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night…"

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night…"

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire…."

Home Before Christmas

A woman was waiting at the checkout at a busy supermarket, Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry," replied the checkout person. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

---

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought
your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

---

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the
extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three
French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

---

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered
four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough
is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

---

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the
postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible,
but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

---

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door
today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the
birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

---

December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those
freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this?
There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking
birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

---

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There
is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smartass.

Agnes

---

December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some
kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play.
They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes

---

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies
dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those
pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

---

December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven
lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All
twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

---

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your
latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and
Chole

The Good Fitness Program

For Christmas this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape from playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress....

MONDAY Started my day at 6 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)
Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout. Very inspiring.)
Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!! Its a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is very annoying) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would someone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. ( I couldn't help being half hour late. It took me that long for me to tie my goddamn shoes.) Tawny took me to work with dumbbells. When she was not looking I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

FRIDAY I hate Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheer-leader wanna-be) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me goddamned barbells or anything that is heavier than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and PE teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the son of a bitching weather channel.

SUNDAY I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun....like a root canal or vasectomy.

The Christmas Elf Massacre

Buy me a beer if you want the story told
Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.
Why I'm knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.
Why I've given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.

Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells --
And why I'll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.
You'll never see this elf make angels in snow.
Hey thanks for the booze

The Nasty Parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

A Redneck Christmas

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Christmas and Hanukkah Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

10: A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

9: Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

8: A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

7: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

6: You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

4: When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

3: A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

2: A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

1: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

What's his job?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Dad will never say...

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

Fathers then & now

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.