Apple will rule the world

Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we'll rule the world．”

Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？”

Have a facelift

A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends one million dollars and feels really good about the result. On his way home he goes into a bookstore and buys a book on how to stay young. Before leaving he says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47 years old,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into a coffee shop to celebrate. Before leaving,he asks the same question. The clerk replies, “Oh, you look about 29.”This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks a lady the same question.She replies, “There is a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I read your palm, I’ll be able to tell your exact age.”

The man gives the lady his hand, and seconds later she says, “You are 47 years old.”“That was brilliant. How did you do that?” the man asks. The lady replies, “I was behind you in the bookstore.”

Count to one Hundred Before You Speak

In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100."

No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count.

at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."

Lawyer and engineer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

The advantage of alcohol

In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"

The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol."

Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

I don't Fell Well

Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not?

Son: I don't feel well

Mother: Where don't you feel well?

Son: In school!

Are you going to treat me?

An American actress came to China for the first time. One day when she was looking for her new Chinese friend after a performance, she came across an anxious Chinese who had always wanted to practice his English with native speakers, but had never found the chance. When he saw the actress, he went up and exchanged greetings, then started his practice.

“How old are you?”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t ask a lady about her age,” the actress said uneasily.

“How much do you earn each month?” the Chinese tried hard to recall this sentence from his textbook.

“Sorry again. We don’t feel like telling others about that either, “ she again refused to answer.

“Have you had lunch?” the Chinese tried again to show his traditional way of greeting.

“No, are you planning to treat me to a meal?’ she asked in surprise.

The Bill a Boy Found

A little boy came home with a eight-dollar bill and said he found it.

"Are you sure it was lost?" asked his mother.

"Sure,I'm sure," said the little boy."I saw the man looking for it."

Does The Dog Know ?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

Perseverance is a virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.

When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

It's a Boy

On her return from school, little Dolly, aged ten, was pulled on to her Daddy's knee, and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother.

She see med glad, and presently said:Will you give me a stamp, daddy? I want to write and tell brother Tom.

The father was touched by this, and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother, who was away at school.

Later, curious to know how she would tell the news, he took an opportunity to read what she had writen.

He received something of a shock on reading the following:

Dear Tom,

It's come off today. You've lost；it's a boy.

How Many Pieces?

A man went to buy a pizza, and the saleslady asked him, "Do you want it cut into smaller pieces? It will be more convenient for you." The man agreed.

Then the saleslady asked him again, "Do you want it cut into six or eight pieces?"

The man answered, "Six is fine. Eight will be too many for me to eat them all."

The bad tea on the Train

There was a passenger going on a train, and it was tea time. A boy was coming around with a cart and asked, “Would you like to have a cup of tea, sir?”

The passenger said, “Ah, yes. I’ll have a cup.”

The boy said, “With or without milk?”

And the passenger said, “With milk, and sugar as well, but no tea!”