Complaining of insomnia

    A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him. "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

    "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Brain transplant

    A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

    "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

    "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.

     Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.

    But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

    "Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.

    "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

Mother of six

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"

     His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Sharing the Apples

     Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. "Share them with your sister", she said.

     So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.

     "Cor! "said his sister, "If Mum had given them to me I'd have given you the large one and had the small one myself."

    " Well", said Harry, "that's what you've got, so what are you worrying about?"

Contemporary service of wedding

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

    On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

    When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

Dress shop burglary

    "Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

    "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

    "What did you steal?" the judge asked.

    "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

    "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

    "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Speeding

    A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"

    "Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.

    "Yes," Walt replied.

    "Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

Selling the wife

     A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

    "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

    "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

     "Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

    "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"

    "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"